Tips on How to Deal With Marriage Conflict

Conflict

How to Quarrel Constructively: If you must quarrel, there is a knack to it that every married person should learn (don’t think there is something wrong with your marriage because you quarrel from time to time…constructive conflict is a sign of caring). Certain techniques in quarrelling are downright harmful. Others are rather risky. Some are almost universally constructive. You quarrel constructively when you finish with your marriage stronger than it was when you began. Here are some ways in which constructive quarrelling is done:

1. Accept the fact of the conflict without shame or pretending it isn’t there.Remember that conflict is normal.Face the fact that you and your spouse are human beings.Don’t be alarmed when differences arise from time to time.

1. Try to find out what the whole thing means to your mate.What’s “eating” him or her?How does he feel about it and why?Keep as calm as you can yourself while you encourage him to talk it all out.

1. What does it matter to you?Why are you annoyed or irritated by it?Ask yourself honestly why it is that you are so excited about it.For instance, Andrew discovered that he got ”riled” whenever his wife set her mouth in a thin little line because that habit was associated in his experience with an extremely dominating aunt who made his life miserable when he was a little boy.

1. Adopt a problem-solving approach to the situation, but keep remembering that many situations need not really become problems.On the basis of your mutual acceptance and understanding, try to see what can be done to work things out comfortably.Don’t let tensions pile up day after day.Work them out as they come along.

1. Try to agree on some next step for taking care of the situation.Get busy on it together as soon as possible.

1. Do what you can to help the other save face, feel stronger, to feel your love no matter what.Avoid sniping at each other.Don’t go dragging up the past.Keep your energy focused on the problem as much as you can rather than on each other’s fault.Be problem-oriented, not person-oriented.Set a certain time span when discussion on the problem will cease for a period of time.

1. Be patient.Be willing to take a little time for the solving of your difficulties.Don’t expect miracles.Count on spending some time to bring the problem to its full termination.

1. When the whole situation is beyond you, get some competent Christian counselling help.

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