Communication Technique to Help Avoid Conflict

Technique # 5: Communicating in Writing

Your relationship may be so negative that it is impossible to talk at all without causing more trouble. In that case, try Communicating in Writing for short periods of time. In this exercise, both of you carry a pad of paper and a pen at all times. The advantage of this technique is that it is harder to be destructive when writing than speaking, because the emotional intensity is not the same. If you and your partner are able to cooperate on this issue, you can decide to speak only when you have something positive or neutral to say, and write whenever you have something negative to convey.

Lester and Natalie had explosive arguments when discussing several topics, such as their son’s difficulties at school (they would blame each other), buying a new house (she wanted to, he didn’t), having another child, his mother’s meddling in their lives, and his trips to the racetrack. They couldn’t make any progress because they never got past the first sentence without an outburst. But they tried this technique:

Natalie: “I would like us to see a child psychiatrist about Billy’s school problem.”

Lester: “He doesn’t need a psychiatrist. You’re always looking for doctors. If you didn’t push him so much, he’d be fine and outgrow it. I was the same way at his age.”

Natalie: “I would really appreciate your going once with me. I just want to get a professional opinion. We don’t even have to take the advice if you don’t want to.”

Lester: “Maybe once, but that’s it.”

Natalie: “Thanks.”

From PRESCRIPTON FOR A QUALITY RELATIONSHIP by

Allen Fay. Copyright 1988 Allen Fay

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